One one things

I discovered a new TV program recently. I tend to enjoy cookery programs, I think it goes well with my general machoness and oozing testosterone levels. But the F word, Gordon Ramsey’s latest offering, is something else. It’s not just about cooking and what to put and what not to put in your tasty dish, it’s about the whole culture of food, and in his words you’ll enjoy the show if you “cook everyday or have never cooked in your life.” Quite right I think. So on the last show I discovered a couple of scary things. First up, in the last 50 years the average male human sperm count has fallen dramatically. And not bc more males are watching cookery programs. But bc of the food we eat, and i’m not surprised too, all those chemicals and what not. Apparently males who cook are in more danger bc their private parts are close to the stove so the little buggers get heated up a bit more than they ought to. So girls, if you thought men who cook are the way to go, go the other way. Doesn’t change the fact that males are generally the better chefs though. So thats what restaurants are there for no? Anyway, back to sperm counts. The way to bring them back upto speed is apparently to eat the following, a lot of fish (the omega oils are handy), lots of nuts (don’t giggle), vegetables and fruits. Avoid coffee/tea (oops), skipping breakfast (oops), sugary stuff (oops) and alcohol (phew). Right, so that’s me sorted then. If I were to ask you who would have the greater sperm count, men or hamsters, who do you think it would be? If you thought hamster you’d be right. Hamsters have 160 Million sperm per ml (I think) whilst us chaps (on a good day) have only 60 Million per ml. Bad form. Outgunned by hamsters, no wonder those buggers breed so fast.

Also, if you’re considering buying sausages from tesco or sainsbury’s, don’t. The economy sausage in these two supers consists of just 32% meat, the other 68% is made up of connective tissue, fat, skin etc. And this is the legal limit. One tip is that packets labeled “Pork Sausages” consist of 42% meat so is a safer bet compared to those simply labeled “Sausages”. All this from one episode of the F word, along with how to cook pigeon and venison. In other good news, Henry is working after 9 days without heating or hot water. As much as I enjoyed having baths out of a big baaldiya of kettle heated water, I’m glad to feel nice hot water from a tap. If you want British Gas to get off their arses tell them you have asthma and that you’re going to sue them unless they show up, and produce a horrible wheezy cough on the phone, that showed them. Ha.