In Between Dreams
I was on holiday somewhere in the North of SL with my family, my grandparents were most prominent, but I know my immediate family was also around. We were all walking somewhere when we strayed into a jungle area and saw LTTE boys prowling around with guns. There was a problem with my eyes and I could barely see where I was walking, but I could see little bits from the tiny openings. Thankfully someone was helping me walk. It was the closest I’ve felt to being physically handicapped. We got close to the cadres and had to hide behind the bushes to avoid being seen. They heard us and came towards us slowly; I felt that dread of knowing there’s no escape. My heart beat faster, thudding against my chest, I tried to not breathe so they won’t hear us; I could taste the adrenaline. Leaves rustled underfoot and then they were just above us, rifle butts raised. They were really quiet. I put my arms over my head and said “surrender surrender”, terrified. I closed my eyes tight and my muscles tightened as if expecting to hold back the bullet. But it never came. I remember being led down through the forest with my arms behind my back.
The next thing I recall was waking up in an air conditioned room. The room was rectangular, and yellowish in colour, there were lots of books, a water dispenser. We were being held captive in excellent conditions. My grandfather was physically weak, and the cadres paid special attention to help him. I felt surprised at their kindness. We were given tea and one of the senior officers came to talk to us, he looked a lot like Karuna but didn’t have a prominent mustache. He was very relaxed, laid back on a couch, arms crossed overhead, smiling a lot while he spoke. I remember feeling suspicious, wondering if this was the calm before a storm. But they continued being nice to us. The Karuna look alike had a long discussion with us but I can’t remember the details. What I do know was that we struck a chord and we all seemed to be on the same wavelength. They finally said they were going to release us, and for some reason I thought this was an extremely intelligent move on their part, something along the lines of taking the moral high ground and looking very good internationally, a smack in the face of GoSL. I spoke to Karuna lookalike and said, “That’s a very smart move, you know the implications of this, right?”. He looked at me and smiled. I was also happy bc my grandfather is somewhat hawkish in his attitude towards the conflict, and I hoped this would temper him a bit. Deep down I’ve always hoped for some genuineness in the LTTE, and have always always been disappointed, maybe there was something decent in them after all? I felt justified in having this naive hope, redemption even.
We were released after breakfast in two vehicles, and I somehow ended up in a car with a girl that i didn’t know. From a previous visit I recognized the area as Killinochchi, though it didn’t really look like it, and we managed to get lost. I was struggling hard to remember the names of roads but I failed. The girl kept telling me, “You know this place right? You know the roads right?” We ended up by the sea, and I walked along a beautiful bare brown ridge which overlooked a perfectly blue Indian Ocean. It felt like the war was going to be over soon, and I was happy that we could again enjoy that which has been denied to us my entire life. I knew that things were a bit off when four of my friends floated by in kayaks, and I was wondering how the devil they managed to come to the North without a problem. But then I just jumped into the water and it felt perfect, home again.
