One one things

I mean to watch the TV news more often but i don’t usually get down to it. I did so today and learned three things. Two of those enriched my knowledge whilst one did nothing for it.

1) Sri Lanka’s tourism secretary is George Michael. Well I already knew that but it was amusing to hear it being said with a straight face.

2) The General Secretary of the Ceylon Teacher’s Union is Joseph Stalin. A bit of a step down from the General Secretary of the Communist Party of Soviet Russia, but you can’t have it all.

3) Some NASA chaps finally proved that the stuff found on Mars by Phoenix was actually water.

The latter suggests that there could be life on some planet other than ours. But us Sri Lankans already knew that. We knew that exactly two years ago. I fished the following up from the archives of that fine institution of journalistic excellence; the Daily Mirror.

Aliens Seen Again at Thanamalvila
Daily Mirror
1st August 2006

Within weeks of aliens being sighted in Galle and Neboda, the landing of a flying saucer on the banks of Kirindiya Thanamalvwila area was reported last week. An year 8 student of Thanamalvila National school, G.W.Suranga who came to the river in the evening of July 23rd is said to have eye-witnessed the incident.

Suranga who narrated his awful experience said “I with my grandmother, and elder sister went for our usual evening bath in the river. When we were returning home we saw three persons, not more than two feet in height, standing near the junction. They were dark complexioned and wearing hats. When I pointed at them to my sister they took to their heels and soon disappeared into the jungle. The time was about 6.30″

Several others are said to have seen the mysterious creatures frequenting the Sarvodaya site at Thanamalvila at dusk on the following day.

President of Universal Research Society Dr. Nissanka Jayadeva, who is conducting research on aliens visited the area on inspection, but he was not able to find substantial evidence of aliens excluding mysterious footprints. On 25th the researchers went in search of the mysterious beings in two groups. Their mission that day was successful.

” I with several others followed the mysterious foot prints. I advised others in the group not to desert the group. Several persons in Galle and Neboda fainted and had a severe headache when the aliens kept on looking at them. Their footprints were clearly visible in the sand. We proceeded in slow pace without making any notice until we were only a few feet away from them. Chamara, who was an enterprising young man in our group, went so close as 20 feet from them. There were three creatures that had only three fingers in their hands and feet. This was sufficient proof that the foot prints on the sand were theirs.” Dr. Jayadeva said.

W.M.Chamara who played an active role in the expedition, said, ” We proceeded on the instructions of Dr. Nissanka. All of a sudden we heard a rattling noise from the thickets. We stopped for a while and observed the area from where we heard the noise.

There were three creatures, one of them taller than others. They were not more than 2 feet tall. The tallest at once turned his head and looked at me. His eyes were blue and bright. I felt faint when I was looking at him. At once I jumped at them with a club in my hand, but they were so swift that they disappeared into the jungle within a fraction of a second. They were gray in colour and did not have hair. I have no doubt that they are aliens and I believe the reports from Galle and Neboda on similar incidents”

” This is the first time a team of researchers havebeen confronted with aliens. It is no longer a legend now. There is no doubt that aliens from other planets had relations with men on earth in the far-gone days.

I am of opinion that they are preparing to renew their relations with us. I did not see them in Galle or at Neboda. However, I eye witnessed them at Thanamalvila and it is a novel experience that encourages me to conduct further research.” Dr. Jayadeva added.

http://www.dailymirror.lk/2006/08/01/news/18.asp

Good on Chamara for going chasing the buggers away with that club of his - the bastards must have come to steal our grass. Since they have water to grow it on and all. Fecking stoners. Who else would design a flying saucepan?

Anyway clap clap to the Mirror for helping this blog write itself.

Unsatisfied with the insightful discourse following the incident of the man, the well and the fire brigade, the DM boys struck again. The article describing the recent lightning attack on the police was an obvious target. Unfortunately a cop had passed away when lightning struck a police post in Buttala. Naturally the cops retaliated with small arms fire causing heavy casualties amongst the retreating lightning. Here’s what they had to say.

“What’s happening in Sri Lanka.. Even the nature is against the Sri Lanka Authorities. Do you all thing what am thinking ? Tamil Tigers, Green tiger, white tiger UN tigers and now Nature Tiger. Am curious who did they opened fire at ? Wind or Rain or Lightning itself? It makes me feel so nice.” - Nature tiger? Never! And they probably opened fire at this. Fecking Thalaivar and his scientologists.

“This is the type of Police we have. They cannot differentiate lightning from LTTE. God save us and our country.”

“Yes, I have experienced this type of reaction from my motherland on my visits in the past several years. It is now getting from bad to worse. Those in ” POWER” not to mention the highest in charge of the beautiful very small country should open their eyes, ears & rectify the situation before it is too oo late!!!!” - Damn that motherland and her dubious reactions. But seriously, what can Mahinda do? take his sarong and hold it over the chaps under threat of lightning?

“Unitl now only the LTTE, JVP and the politicians were striking the police. Now Lightning also striking the police. Strike back the lightning police.” - That’s right.

“When lightning strucks (sic) someone, that person just falls on the ground dead. so no one would know unless they are experts that it was lightning that struck. Other police officers must have thought it was a sniper shot or something so they opened fire.” - Wisdom. I suspect it would be pretty cool to be a lightning death expert.

“My friends,dont blame or laugh at any body.we shouldn’t do that and that is not the feedback what we supposed to do here.” - Exactly, there’s plenty of others to do the laughing.

“Sri Lankan government and other institutions like university of Moratuwa, university of Colombo (Dept. of Science) and research Institutions such as IFS must take the initiative to educate ordinary citizens.Especially govt.institutions have a duty to carry on because they are paid by the tax payers of the country. That means this people who die due to lack of information and knowledge.I know that we cannot avoid the natural disasters,but we can minimize the devastating effects by educating people.Because Sri Lanka is a small country!” - Damn straight. If on the other hand SL was a big country it would be ok. Despite the pretensions of intelligence, this chap is clearly insane. I mean he’s talking nonsense about govt institutions having to carry out duties bc they are paid by tax payers? What cock. Traitor! pass the J.

“There should be adequate protection for the people who are working outside. Nature doesn’t have done any thing but authorities have not adopted the proper precautions against the nature where applicable.” - Ah. Eloquence. Love it.

It must be said, the Buttala cops are a delightful bunch. They were nice enough to let me keep my license despite clocking me at 72. They are clearly not deserving of such ungenerous comments by these dubious chaps. For shame.

The Daily Mirror has been superb in being the first to attempt real time news delivery to the internet loving Ceylonese. But the real value of this has not been timely access to news - it’s the comedic value of the comments. In the past we were confined to that small batallion of retired chaps who engaged in skirmishes in the letters to the editor of the respective dailys. Grappling weighty topics such as “Buddhism and meat eating: a response in 16 parts”, “The menace of stray dogs in Dehiwala”, “The deteriorating relationship between youth and crocodiles in Ratnapura” ad nauseum. Fair enough too, retired chaps need to let of steam somewhere. But now with online commenting, a whole new can of worms has been opened. Chaps don’t have to retire till they can air their most profound statements, this can be done in a matter of clicks while sipping that tea with 14 spoons of sugar. Para bellum.

So today I was running through the DM looking to see if we’re winning the war, when a couple of stories down there’s a rather sad passage about a chap who has fallen into a well in Kirulopane and passed away before the fire department could save him. Bad form. But what was intriguing was the 14 comments about this story - so much sympathy, so little time? curiosity got the better of me and I clicked. I really didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. Our buggers one thing.

Here are a few excerpts.

“While feeling sorry for the person, must say that our opposition has fallen into a much deeper well. How can we bring them up?”

“Shame on you fire brigade, Indian FB rescued a child from a much deeper and a narrow well, Good reason to create some scholarships to India for the FB guys!!!!”

“The people should have called FD and informed them Dr.(Mervin) Silva is in the well and not just the FD but even the PSD will come to rescue him in no time.” - it’s superb how in the past 4 months there has not been one story on the DM that has not had a comment referring to our favourite parliamentarian.

“Our people are finding an AXE to cut thing that you can remove with the finger nail. There was a small boy who rescued his mother who fell in the well without any fire brigade. Hope our country people open their brain and do sensible things in general.” - good policies for a better ceylon.

“Fire brigade happy new year”

“”Well” done!”

Oh dear. (oh well, even).

This evening was awful. I spent 4 hours watching the most ridiculous session of ego massaging in history. 13, yes, 13 Johnnies spent 3 hours telling one other Johnny how great he is, and finally the great Johnny tells all of us how great he is (and almost cries in the process). I spent the last half hour of the show entering all the holidays into my phone calender so that I can quickly plan my long weekends. Yes it took half an hour. Happily this year almost all the holidays fall on Tuesdays or Thursdays. This is great news bc it makes it a long weekend by default. People don’t kid themselves anymore and just call it a long weekend. This morning I get a call from Commerce asking me when I’m free for a meeting next week. Now Tuesday is a day off (hooray) and they assumed everyone will be out of town on Monday and asked which of the other days is best - great. As I was entering the holidays I was distraught to find that Avurudu and Nonagathay fall on a Saturday and Sunday. But fear not. The 11th and 18th of April (both fridays) have been declared holidays in lieu of us being deprived of the due days off. Two more long weekends, brilliant. Vesak and “Day after Vesak” (which surely must be the best excuse for a holiday - ever) fall on a thursday and friday, which mean another long weekend. A long time ago I wrote some patriotic nonsense about why I want to live in SL. I lied. I’m here for the poya days.

Back to ego massaging, it seems to be something us Ceylonese love. Anyone with the remotest degree of authority is entitled to a massage. Today for instance there were 4 ministers who risked our lives (and ensured everyone gets thoroughly felt up by the guards - and I mean thoroughly) to show up at the public massage - and everytime someone spoke they had to get avasara from each of these Johnnies and of course avasara from about 17 other ppl. On average it took 3 minutes for a speaker to get permission to speak. There were also a couple of priests who had come to give divine blessings to the massage (but ended up making pseudo-political sermons, mentioning the Buddha only in footnotes or within parentheses). One of them gave a fascinating description of ozone depletion as if he had discovered it in his backyard last week. It was great - he went into wonderful detail about the sun’s heat and how scientists have discovered this natural protective layer that exists over the earth but how today there are holes forming in this protective layer due to the experiments being conducted by the British and the Americans. Yes, experiments, the bastards. (Actually since the biggest holes in the ozone layer are over Australia and one of the Poles it’s probably the Aussies and the Eskimos conducting the experiments - that is much more believable. No wonder the Eskimos discovered how to turn their bears white and the Aussies figured out how to make geriatrics into annoyingly good cricketers). After 6 minutes of describing this new discovery I saw chaps towards the front nodding in earnest. It’s called global warming. This was followed by a UNP (D) Minister giving a discourse on why we as a country need to be self sufficient - that it’s a disgrace that we are importing things like oil, milk powder and wheat, wasting money. All this in what was supposedly a gathering of economists. Superb.

It would be a violation of all things decent to wind up without mentioning the amusing Maldivians on Ravana’s blog. The Maldivians I’ve known have been thoroughly laid back and great fun. Two quick stories.

Maldivian friend is spying on his sister doing the dirty deed with a chap. Friend gets somewhat excited and ends up toppling something off the shelf he was peering through. Sister gets up and looks around,

Sister: “Oy! who’s there?”
Maldivian Friend: “Not me!”

…and runs away. What a man.

One time (at band camp) no, at school, we were being asked by the teacher where we see our selves in 10 years time. Everyone talks the talk and when my Maldivian friend’s turn comes along he says in all seriousness, “On a boat.” Who said Maldivians don’t have a sense of humour? They’re fabulous, and they’re fellow islanders. And islanders and the best landers.

I’ve had enough for today, and for this week for that matter. Unfortunately tomorrow is not a holiday - but at least I won’t be going to any glorified massage parlours. From Saturday to Tuesday I’ll be attempting to get myself a scuba license so that I can have a decent shot at getting the bends, claiming insanity and retiring in peace. Before I go I must recommend something that made my evening a lot better. (I suggest the work on Hayden and well everything else for that matter.)

Enjoy and happy holidays! (Yes we say that right through the year bc we are cool like that.)

So a while back I wrote something about the sexual pursuits of my dog (I would say bitch but I’m much too cultured for that). In a nutshell, things with Sam didn’t work out. He just was not interested, and it was later disclosed that he had some hormonal problem (shock). My fellow was, in the words of the vet, “hari unanduweng hitiya”. The horny git. What to do. Anyway, after two days with Sam we decided to try another fellow and the vet suggested two names - one was called Brutus and the other Rinoldo - both Labs. Brutus’ owners came over and wanted 30k to pimp their dog - naturally I showed them the gate. 30k for a shag..inflation, I tell you. The next day the other prospect turns up (it was a Sunday, it felt like a proper marriage visit - I must digress at this point to tell a quick story). I was reading the marriage proposals a couple of weekends back as part of my Sunday amusement and came across a gem. “Young, slim, fair (of course) muslim lady, recently divorced after a very brief marriage, innocent party” (now in Sri Lankan marriage proposals there are no guilty parties - everybody who is divorced is the innocent party). And here’s the clincher - “However she remains a virgin.” I mean this is what we need - no more bullet proof cars and what not, just figure out what that hymen is made of and nothing will get through. Marvelous.

So anyway - Rinoldo comes over with pater, mater and a rotund little bugger who grinned and waddled back and forth. I liked them instantly - and family is very important. Rinoldo was friendly if a bit saliva prone. My fellow however was having none of it - she barked and barked and almost bit Rinoldo so we decided to try an introduction at the male’s place - which is how it should be. The next day I took her over to theirs and again no luck - major aggression by Teq and we couldn’t get them off their leads. Tough luck - it wasn’t set to work on this heat. We just hoped she wouldn’t have another pseudo-pregnancy. Unfortunately within a couple of months she again started her digging and whining so we gave her an injection to tone down the hormones. It wasn’t quite as bad as last time. All of this happened late last year.

In September she had her next heat and again the vet said to give it a shot - so I took her over to Rinoldo’s. Again there was aggression but this time the vet persuaded me (with much difficulty) to let her off the lead and for me to go out of sight. Naturally this was quite difficult but I had to do it. As soon as I let her go and went inside the bugger tried to hump her - but she was having none of it, barked and growled till he backed off. I all but cheered in delight. That’s my girl! Don’t let the bugger get in your nickers! Eventually I was told that I should leave and pick her up in a few hours. It was really sad leaving her - it was the first time I had left her alone in a strange place and I couldn’t look her in the eyes before going. I got the boy’s mobile number and kept checking on her even before I reached home. It was even stranger going home and not have her do her usual greeting at the top of the stairs - wagging her tail and with it her whole body. About 4 hours later I picked her up - nothing had happened, she had not let him mount her and they had both gone to sleep eventually.

On my way back home, with her happily in the front seat, the vet called me up and asked what happened. I explained the story and he said, “ehema thamai, aayeth karanna oney ballige spirit eka kadena kang.” That just sounded completely wrong to me. I wasn’t going to keep her there until she could no longer fight him. I mumbled something and left the phone. It was a huge dilemma - the parents were abroad so I called them up and explained the situation - they agreed that we should call it off - it just didn’t feel right. Unfortunately this would mean she’ll be likely to have further pseudo-pregnancies and possible complications later on. I’m still not sure what we’ll do on her next heat. It’s now two months since the last heat and she’s already showing signs of distress. Last night she started whimpering and licking the pillow - which was followed by what looked like a false labour. It’s extremely distressing watching her - not being able to explain to her what’s going on in her body. We’ll probably need to give her another hormone shot, though I’m somewhat skeptical about the effects in the longer term. Decisions decisions.

I was on holiday somewhere in the North of SL with my family, my grandparents were most prominent, but I know my immediate family was also around. We were all walking somewhere when we strayed into a jungle area and saw LTTE boys prowling around with guns. There was a problem with my eyes and I could barely see where I was walking, but I could see little bits from the tiny openings. Thankfully someone was helping me walk. It was the closest I’ve felt to being physically handicapped. We got close to the cadres and had to hide behind the bushes to avoid being seen. They heard us and came towards us slowly; I felt that dread of knowing there’s no escape. My heart beat faster, thudding against my chest, I tried to not breathe so they won’t hear us; I could taste the adrenaline. Leaves rustled underfoot and then they were just above us, rifle butts raised. They were really quiet. I put my arms over my head and said “surrender surrender”, terrified. I closed my eyes tight and my muscles tightened as if expecting to hold back the bullet. But it never came. I remember being led down through the forest with my arms behind my back.

The next thing I recall was waking up in an air conditioned room. The room was rectangular, and yellowish in colour, there were lots of books, a water dispenser. We were being held captive in excellent conditions. My grandfather was physically weak, and the cadres paid special attention to help him. I felt surprised at their kindness. We were given tea and one of the senior officers came to talk to us, he looked a lot like Karuna but didn’t have a prominent mustache. He was very relaxed, laid back on a couch, arms crossed overhead, smiling a lot while he spoke. I remember feeling suspicious, wondering if this was the calm before a storm. But they continued being nice to us. The Karuna look alike had a long discussion with us but I can’t remember the details. What I do know was that we struck a chord and we all seemed to be on the same wavelength. They finally said they were going to release us, and for some reason I thought this was an extremely intelligent move on their part, something along the lines of taking the moral high ground and looking very good internationally, a smack in the face of GoSL. I spoke to Karuna lookalike and said, “That’s a very smart move, you know the implications of this, right?”. He looked at me and smiled. I was also happy bc my grandfather is somewhat hawkish in his attitude towards the conflict, and I hoped this would temper him a bit. Deep down I’ve always hoped for some genuineness in the LTTE, and have always always been disappointed, maybe there was something decent in them after all? I felt justified in having this naive hope, redemption even.

We were released after breakfast in two vehicles, and I somehow ended up in a car with a girl that i didn’t know. From a previous visit I recognized the area as Killinochchi, though it didn’t really look like it, and we managed to get lost. I was struggling hard to remember the names of roads but I failed. The girl kept telling me, “You know this place right? You know the roads right?” We ended up by the sea, and I walked along a beautiful bare brown ridge which overlooked a perfectly blue Indian Ocean. It felt like the war was going to be over soon, and I was happy that we could again enjoy that which has been denied to us my entire life. I knew that things were a bit off when four of my friends floated by in kayaks, and I was wondering how the devil they managed to come to the North without a problem. But then I just jumped into the water and it felt perfect, home again.

So here’s a shitty post. I’ve been grumpy for almost a week now, and i don’t really know why. I first thought it must be wasgamuwa withdrawal symptoms on thursday and friday, which it probably was, of course helped by the spectacular weather and the results of a series of cockups by the CMC boys. It was hilarious watching that chap who Mays our city talking on the news about how he is in charge and that anyone with a grievance should come see him. I hope they have a good queueing system up in the town hall, bc us ceylonese are certainly not British, we couldn’t queue if we were between P and R. And he then went on to link hands with his staff and do a Mexican wave of sorts in his office. Must be the accumulated 3 wheel fumes. The last time I saw an attempted Mexican wave fall flat was when Bill Clinton tried to generate one during an ASEAN photo shoot. The other chaps thought he was doing some prayer ritual and promptly bowed at the cameras with palms together in Ayubowan style. Anyhow, more than the floods and stuff what ticked me off was the lack of sun. Now I enjoy my thunder storm as much as the other guy, but 2 days without sunshine is not good news. It also didn’t help that the lightning had sizzled my laptop and router at home. By some miracle the old laptop made a surprise come back and started to work. After a spectacularly unproductive 2 days I expected to return to normal by the weekend. And even the sun popped out.

But alas, Friday night poker and Saturday night monopoly sessions were temporary respites, in between there was more grumpiness. The best I felt pretty much all week was at CR jazz on Sunday, nice tonic and lime, good company and great music. I wish they had that more often, but then it might get tedious. Sunday evening blues set in after I got home, so there was once again an excuse for grumpiness. This followed through till Monday morning, but by Monday evening I was running out of excuses. There are few better cures for all things blue than Blackadder. So I popped in series 3 and cheered up instantly. All was good till this morning when I stepped into work and realised that it was going to be a visa day. Grumpiness was back before the Prince Regent could say disestablishmentarianism. (or antidisestablishmentarianism, pseuduantidisestablishmentarianism, antipseudoantidis..). I’ve always hated visa officers, they without exception seem to have large, fragile egos and volatile tempraments. The latter is understandable given the number of dimwits who present themselves for visa applications. Today I overheard an amusing conversation.

Visa officer - Where is your marriage certificate? without certificate no visa.
Lady - But sir it got washed away.
VO - what?
Lady - Yes sir, tsunami sir.
VO - But you live in Bandarawela
Lady - yes sir.
VO - When did you get married?
Lady - Last year sir.
VO - Please leave.

Ok so I made some of that up, but as a witty person once said, never let the facts get in the way of a good story. And she did say some startlingly foolish things. Today’s VO was not all that bad, he was actually quite nice to me, and I was nice to him. Nonetheless I managed to puncture his ego and I almost didn’t get the visa, but all’s well that ends well. Next week I have to go to the Brit visa office, and that I’m not looking forward to. A week later I’ll need to go sort out a visa to Manila. Something invariably goes wrong and I end up getting in the foulest of foul moods when visa hunting. So maybe that’s why all this grumpiness. It’s going to be a long month. Tomorrow I’m off to Delhi for a lightning trip, thank heavens my Kerala visa is still valid and I don’t have to meet the barking musthache again. That said I don’t have a confirmed return flight yet, what with all the changes to the flight schedules and certain airliners still unsure as to whether they’ll pull out of SL yet. Having watched the Terminal last night I get the shivers thinking about being stuck in the Delhi airport. Maybe I’ll at least meet a Catherine Sita.

Fact for the day - Hitwicket in French is “autodestruction”. Can just imagine their commenatry; “Ohh le Sanath Jayasuriya, oui un grand six! ooh la la..oh non non non! merde! il autodestruct! On doit faire attention quande l’hitte le ballon comme un bullet tracer”

p.s. most of that French is rubbish, please do not be foolish and use it in your next Alliance Francais class. I should know. My brother told me that pig in French is L’oink, I was le laughing stock, naturellement.

It’s a sunday night and i’m feeling tired even before the week has started. That’s not how it should be, specially after 3 of the most relaxing days on the beach in Talpe, rounded off by a Hansi roti kadey stop on the way home. I read fiction for the first time this year, I didn’t take my laptop with me and I didn’t even feel the time pass. The first four months of this year have been very heavy with work, there’s been great fun in between, with lots of travelling and of course the world cup, but i think im feeling the pinch a bit. Last week I finished 2 of the 4 major things i’m working on, and I think both went well, so much so that it’s fair to say the last 2 weeks have been possibly the best of my short career so far. So hopefully by the end of this month i’d have completed the other two major things, leaving two smaller matters to be dealt with by mid-May. Responsibility levels have increased, the importance of the work has increased and I’m loving it, but I think a break is needed. A break in the sense of knowing there is nothing pressing that I should be doing when I’m not at work. For the past 4 months even if i’ve been out of town or just at home on a weekend, i’ve had work nagging me in the background, and that’s tiring. So there is a plan emerging to go to Nepal in the end of April to do a bit of trekking, rafting and discovering the land beyond Katmandu. If that is to materialize, i’ll have to work extra hard over the next three weeks and pray that nothing new comes up. Which is why i’m annoyed that I’m feeling jaded already.

I seem to be running into some bad luck these days as well. I was incapacitated in some way through most of March. First up i caught a flu of sorts which meant no swimming and made work very difficult bc of the A/C office. Actually the lack of swimming was far more troubling, the daily swim has become part of my routine, and being a creature of habit, i’m not fond of change. Soon as i recovered i managed to chip my toe while playing football with the dog. Lost a quarter of my big toe nail, a lot of skin, a chunk of flesh and the ability to wear shoes. Those who saw my toe once it was finally exposed from the bandaging will tell you that I am exaggerating a lot, but there really was a lot of blood so i was entitled to feel distressed. During the injury time i had a dramatic limp and an even more dramatic amount of protectiveness, warning everyone to stay away and producing menacing looks to deter those who dared venture close. Eventually it healed and I was able to get back to my usual activities.

Hardly a week had passed when I went to waadduwa to mess around on a poya day in the sea. The sea was a typical poya day sea, rough as hell and unswimmable. So i resorted to catching crabs on the beach. I spotted a nice large and lazy looking fellow who seemed unaware of my presence. I produced my best 007 stalking and crept up on the unassuming crustacean. Now i’m quite good at catching crabs, specially up at Buba on a Sunday evening where the overfed devils are almost too easy. So expectations were high. I inched closer, the crab barely moved, and then i pounced. As soon as i hit the ground i knew i had done something to my shoulder. My first reaction was that it had popped, but i stood up dazed, tried to join in my friends’ laughter and felt around nervously for jutting out bones. My whole arm was numb but i could move it around without too much difficulty. No breaks, no dislocations. I figured its just sore, and i couldn’t make a fuss bc it would all look quite silly. I went home and mocked my mother for suggesting physiotherapy. I expected it to be fine by morning, a strained rotator cuff seemed the obvious injury given the nature of movement possible.

I ambled into work and all was fine till around 12 when the pain began to sharpen and I knew something was wrong for the pain to get worse. I bit the bullet and called the physio, maternal instinct is just too damn annoying. I was glad she didn’t do the whole “i told you so” gig. The physio examined me in all manner of ways, bending my arm back and forth and testing every plane of motion. He frowned and I began to worry. I asked him if its rotator cuff, and he said probably not, that this is a lot worse. Apparently the fall on the elbow had been at such an angle that it got no cushion from any muscles, all the weight fell square on the shoulder joint, as a result the tendons and ligaments in the shoulder capsule had got torn. Apparently the delayed pain was the tell tale sign. The blood flow to the capsule is very low, and therefore healing is a particularly slow process. And worse still, recurrence is pretty much a given. I asked the dreaded question, how long? The physio replied that soft tissue injuries can take up to 6 weeks, and during this time it would require utmost rest. That means no swimming, no imaginery bowling, and no driving in the immediate future. I felt deflated. The only thing that interested me was the prospect of wearing a sling and looking rather cool, specially since I was making a presentation at a conference the next day. Of course i would have to hatch a better story than “i fell down trying to catch kakkotuwas”. But the physio disappointed again and said no need for a sling. My pleading look went swish over his head.

One good thing came out of it, I got to skip a dinner in honour of the conference guests that night due to physio commitments. That gave me a chance to watch the England vs SL match, and what a match it was. Big Dil stepped up and won it for us off the last ball after that bugger Bopara cost me a few months of my life by weakening my heart that much more. (but what a knock, well played). The next morning all the SLkans at the conference were red-eyed, but we gave one another knowing looks and smiles of acknowledgement knowing the whole thing was worth it. As the parents have been saying, it maybe a bit of an apale time for me, but things are looking good in the West Indies. Good luck chaps.

It’s almost the weekend and I just had a glance at The Island front page as a last effort of procrastination. One of the headlines reads, “Army shells miss SLMM chief: Oslo calls for explanation” That’s a bit harsh isn’t it? Can’t expect those shells to be so accurate.

Reminds me of some other funny headlines I’ve seen and heard of in our newspapers. A couple of years ago the following was on the front page;
“Train to Pakistan comes to Colombo” It was referring to a movie that just began screening in Colombo, but with South Asian rail networks, one could never be too sure.

An old favourite, the accuracy of which I can’t guarantee, is about the time Mrs B had just opened up a new waterway around the same time that China’s PM Zhou Enlai (pronounced chew enlai) passed away. One of the Sinhalese papers allegedly had the following summary of the news;
“Sirimawo paippey aree, Chiney chew giya…”

Off to Unawatuna for the weekend, w00t.

I’ve never been a big fan of arranged marriages, particularly the whole horoscope part of it. Yesterday however I had to dabble in the fine art myself (minus horoscopes). My dog just celebrated her 2nd b’day, and is now 28 in human years, so it is high time she settled down. We never really wanted to have pups, our devil is a handful in her own right and I wasn’t too keen on being woken up at 4am by a fistful of pups barking for food. But a couple of months ago Uzbeq (one of her many nicknames) ran into a few problems. She had become very vocal, attention seeking (more than normal) and had started to dig up the garden. Things became more peculiar when she began to bite my pillows and try to dig up my bed as well. It came to a point where I couldn’t look away from her for more than 10 seconds without her whimpering and giving me a look of pure pathos. We still didn’t think it was much of a big deal until she started to carry around her little pink, smelly soft toy around everywhere she went. She’d take it in her mouth and whimper with a distressed look on her face. We decided to call the vet, and I had my first suspicions of a pseudo-pregnancy. The vet confirmed this when we said that she had her last heat about 2 months ago, her 2nd heat. Her body was telling her to expect a puppy, and so she had been digging the garden and my bed as a nesting place. The pink soft toy was her baby in her eyes. Naturally everyone in the house went ga-ga, teq was going through psychological stress so more attention was to be showered upon her. She remained highly distressed out for another week or so but then she recovered to her normal crazy self. But we were warned, if she isn’t crossed on her third heat, she’d have a far more severe pseudo-pregnancy including false contractions. Not part of the plan.

So her heat is due in December, and we had to act quite fast to find a potential mate. Everyone was keeping half an eye open for a healthy looking male lab. Fellow inde sq dog walkers were told about the requirements, family, friends and pretty much anyone who dropped into our house. There were a couple of options available, a 6 year old lab who was later deemed too big, a one year old liver coloured guy who was too young and another 3 year old who lived too far away. And then some excellent luck. We found out that there was a black male lab living, next door! (well three doors down to be precise). They had moved in recently and everyone was very excited by the prospect. Discrete inquiries were made from the security guys; “how’s the family? how old is he? How come he doesn’t go for walks? what’s his name? is he friendly?” and so on. To see his name is Sam, 6 years old, and belongs to an Indian family. So on Sunday ammi and I walked up and knocked on the door, the family was out so we asked them to give us a call when they’re back. The lady of the house calls us later that evening and says to come by the next evening, with Teq.

I rushed back from work that evening, tried to spruce teq up a bit, gave her a small pep talk and off we went. As usual her behaviour was horrendous in anticipation of a walk, jumping up and down and looking like a foosa. But as we approached their gate Sam began to bark, and Teq seemed to get a bit nervous. I was worried bc she’s never been good with other dogs. Whenever we try to socialize her she’d ignore the other dog after two sniffs and go greet the owner instead. So we were hoping that with the heat she’d conjure up some good hormones and get horny. We rang the bell and out came Sam and the owner, she seemed very nice and friendly and was very happy with the idea of love thy neighbour - canine chapter. The dogs were a bit apprehensive at first, separated by the gate, Sam barked to confirm that it was his terrain, and uzbeq stuck her tail between her legs and sat behind me. In the mean time we chatted about how we should proceed and gave indications of our basic concerns, ie. no fleas, hope your bugger is clean etc. Teq soon lost her shy girl/playing hard to get attitude and strutted up to the gate and began to bark away as well. I have no idea what they were telling each other but both were wagging their tails, and didn’t seem aggressive. Sam soon began to whimper and prance a bit; the female had clearly established the initial underlying power relations. That’s my girl!

So the first meeting was a success. They didn’t hate one another, and the humans concerned got along too. We walked back home and Teq seemed quite pleased with herself, waddling along, wagging her tail and smiling with her ears back, much like a girl after a good date. (At least in the movies). We had a house meeting soon after and everyone was informed of the developments while Teq sat aside with her tongue out. We’ve already started discussing puppy names, and I thankfully have veto power bc the suggestions so far have been atrocious. Teq still feels like a puppy to me, and I couldn’t for my life imagine her as a mother. She still acts like a baby, running around with her toys and chasing after imaginery cats. But Sam seems lovely, and at 6 years old he should be a good calming influence. He even has a tinge of a white goatie, much like that chap Amithab Bachan! But the best part is that he lives so close, it feels like things will be more under control bc of that. It promises to be a dramatic couple of months, fingers crossed.